Love at First Sight October 2, 2008

I was expecting company at my house later and was in need of a few things.  So, I threw my dirty hair into a ponytail, slid into the nearest shoes (which clearly were not a match to my sweatpants and t-shirt), threw on a quick coat of mascara and lipstick and dashed off to the grocery store. 

I thought it only happened in fairy tales. Anyone who knows me knows that I am a sucker for fairy tales and love conquering all (though every relationship I’ve ever had completely contradicts this), but I have never personally experienced this particular phenomenon.  The “Love-at-first-sight” phenomenon.  But there he was.  Tall, dark and handsome (in just the right amount) and standing by the cheese balls.  Our eyes met (just like in the movies).  We quickly both looked away and then back again.  I could feel myself blushing from head to toe.  (Fine, it was a hot flash, but “blushing” sounds more romantic…)  There was a distinct twinkle in his eye and I detected a hint of a grin as we moved awkwardly past each other. 

 

“Why did I wear these stupid shoes,” I questioned myself as he passed in his business attire.  He was wearing a name tag (not the HELLO MY NAME IS kind, but a badge type thing), but I couldn’t make out the name without appearing too desperate.

I hear it said that the grocery store is a great place to meet people, but, honestly….How on earth are you supposed to make a connection in the produce section?  “Hey, nice onions……wanna get a cup of coffee?”  That’s just a bit too weird for me.  Besides, I’ve been out of the dating scene for about 20 years now and feel like a complete imbecile.

I forgot what I had come for and wandered the aisles in a daze, wondering if I had actually just seen the man I am supposed to marry.  (They say to expect it when you least expect it!)  We met up again at the registers, where I noticed he wasn’t wearing a ring (YES!) I insisted that he go ahead of me in line…he had only one item and my ass is exceptionally huge in these sweats.  I can’t for the life of me recall what that one item was that he was purchasing.  It might have given me tremendous insight into the kind of man he is.  Was it Beano?  Or yogurt?  I was too concerned that he was judging the contents of my cart to notice.  I placed my apples on the belt first, hoping they would block the view of my Cherry Garcia. 

 

I was frantically thinking of some possible way to engage my husband  this guy before he was gone for good.  But I was at a loss.  After taking his change he turned once more to me.  THERE IT IS!  THAT’S THE LOOK!  Eyes that looked upon me as if searching for some answer……I feel it too!  I screamed telepathically.

 

And then he was gone. 

 

When I was finished and ”bagged”, I rushed to the parking lot searching to see if by chance he was waiting for me. 

 

Somewhat sadly, I got into my car.  I glanced at the sad girl in the rearview mirror and saw what he had seen…..

 

A 2 inch long HUGE GOB OF MASCARA SMEARED ACROSS THE  BRIDGE OF MY NOSE!

 

 

I think I may have misinterpreted that encounter.

Goober October 1, 2008

Meet Goober.  My son found her “in his friend’s dog’s mouth”.  What was he supposed to do?  Just leave her there?  I was completely against this.  I have allergies.  I have asthma.  I cough and wheeze all day long without any pets in the house. 

Besides, history has proven that responsibility is not one of my son’s strong suits.  I have no interest in caring for a cat (cute or not), especially when by next summer he (my son) will be heading off to college (God and finances willing) or (if he has his way) to the military.  He brings her home and I spend the next 13 years caring for a cat I DON”T want. 

 

So…guess who has a cat?   Guess who is taking care of the cat?  Guess who spends her days with her head under her son’s bed coaxing the elusive little critter out into the open?  Yup.  Some call me Mom, but you can call me SUCKER.  I have fallen in love with this fur ball who won’t give me the time of day.  Perhaps even young animals can sense my neediness!  Does my constant desire to snuggle this little thing scream “desperate for love in any form”?  My son pays her no attention and she crawls up into his lap.  I jump through hoops for this little bugger, check on her constantly, worry if she feels lonely, try to play, give her Reiki, refresh her water and she runs under the bed.  I’m starting to see a pattern here.  The same thing happened with my ex.

Fine.  I’ll pretend I don’t care.  I’ll be completely indifferent to her presence and maybe she’ll brush up against my foot sometime soon. 

I’m getting myself a stuffed animal.  (That statement was in no way a threat to Goober.)

Dear Mr. Ghosn-Part 2 September 22, 2008

All-You-Can-Eat September 19, 2008

I stood aside as she steered past me toward the automatic door at Stop and Shop.  This well-dressed, elderly woman, quite adept at maneuvering her motorized wheelchair, zoomed past me without slowing.  I followed her inside and waited behind her while she got her bearings. 

As she moved on, I went to get my cart and began reciting my mental list.  As I headed to the produce section, I saw her again.  She was approaching the very substantial “Make-Your-Own” salad bar that the store featured.  I didn’t think anything of it, until…..she saddled up alongside the salad bar and reached into the bowl of olives.  I laughed to myself, slightly surprised (more than slightly grossed out) at her nerve.  I’ve seen people take a grape off the bunch every now and then.  Not a federal offense, I suppose, though I’m quite certain it goes against some health code. 

She reached again.  Wow.  This lady’s got big ones….She continued motoring around the salad bar, sampling every possible item within her reach!  I looked around in amazement to see if I was the only one shocked by this.  Staff walked near and about, and although I didn’t catch anyone else with their mouth agape, I am certain someone had to see this, as she was not the least bit discreet in her actions.

It occurred to me that perhaps this well-dressed woman was (contrary to all appearances) suffering an economic hardship.  I considered offering to buy her a full blown salad of her own that we could prepare using any of the available utensils on hand.  I hesitated because I didn’t want to embarrass her…….but neither did I want her denture grip on someone else’s pickled beets!

I admit it…..I did nothing.  Stood and watched for 5 minutes while this lady circled round and round leisurely popping croutons, hard-boiled eggs, chick peas, and pineapple chunks in her brightly painted mouth.  Either she thought the store was offering an awful lot of test samples, or it really is true……”if you want something in life, you have to go and get it for yourself.”

Next…. September 14, 2008

We had been in line for over half an hour and were finally next in line at the DMV.  My son had passed his driving test and we were in the “New Licenses” line.  Up ahead at the window was what appeared to be the most unfriendly, ornery, overworked and underappreciated woman who was obviously dealing with an imbalanced hormonal system (i.e. five o’clock shadow).  We cringed as she impatiently reprimanded the person in front of us for asking what she must have considered a foolish question. 

“Yikes,” my son whispered to me.  “I hope we don’t get her…”. 

“Just smile and be  nice”, I suggested. ”Maybe she’s just having a bad day.”

“Next!”, the bearded lady barked.

I stood back a bit as my son approached the window, with the biggest grin I’d seen in a while.  “Goooood Afternoon, ma’am,” he chimed.  “How are you doing today?”

The scary lady paused and looked up from her paperwork.  (I held my breath.) Her whiskers shifted as her mouth turned upward in a noticeable smirk.  “Well I guess I’m ok, young man.” she replied as if she was surprised by the question.  (Perhaps she doesn’t encounter many happy people in her work.)  “And how can I help you today?”

“I passed my road test and am ready for that piece of plastic that proves it.”

“Well, good for you, young man! I guess we best not keep you waiting any longer!”

As I observed this encounter, which involved her telling my son a joke and showing him a picture of one of her family members, I was reminded of how important it is to judge people on your own experience of them.  The old addage, “You can’t judge a book by it’s cover” (even if it does need a shave..) really is true….

My, How the Time Flies…. September 10, 2008

Remember me?  The one who said she’d be right back in a week?  (he…he….)  Sorry.  I got a bit delayed.  I’ll spare you my excuses, but a lot has happened in the past couple of weeks.  One of the biggest things that happened was in response to my Dear Mr. Ghosn (pronounced Ghone) blog  http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=nK4WWmDqPQA .  About 16 hours after I sent the video off to the Executive Offices of Nissan, I got a call on behalf of the CEO and President, Mr. Ghosn!  The Nissan People were very interested in helping me “resolve” my issues with the car, and have since done just that.  (Personally, I was hoping they’d just go ahead and give me a new one…)  My problems “resolved”, I am told that they are anxious for the follow-up video.  (Gulp….)

One more project that will keep me from finding a “Real” job.  

Maybe Earlene could be the new Nissan spokesperson? She’s better looking than those Geiko cavemen…..

The Cheese House August 20, 2008

 

I’m headed for the “cheese house” tomorrow.  That’s the name my two young nieces have given their new vacation home.  I am assuming that it must be some chalet-type structure that looks like a piece of cheese, though I never did ask.  Maybe it just smells funny.

 

The point of telling you all this is that I may actually have a legitimate reason for not blogging in the coming days.  I have been informed that there is no Internet service in this mountain abode.  I am already starting to get a little shaky at the thought.  What if I get an email that I don’t know about for 6 more days?  It could be something really important, like 15% off at Barnes and Noble……

 

I don’t feel so well.   Dear Lord, I never did ask about cell phone service or cable!  What have I just agreed to???!  My brother (the homeowner) assures me that the views will take my breath away.  Big deal….the stairs up to my bedroom take my breath away.  “There’s hiking and swimming….” he excitedly reported. (Sadly, he hasn’t gotten the memo yet….)  I’m kidding (mostly).  I am sure it will be beautiful.  And there is a discount for relatives in the month of August!  Free room and board!  Can’t beat that!

 

So, in the event you don’t hear from me much in the next week, I’ll be at the cheese house. 

Having nightmares about mice probably.

Looking for Mr. Ghosn August 18, 2008

Out in Left Field August 18, 2008

 

It was a beautiful Saturday and I was enjoying the company of friends at a picnic, when one of the guests showed up carrying 2 small children in his arms. One clung to his neck screaming, while the other threw himself backwards in an attempt to catapult his way to freedom.  Naturally, several of us motherly types, in an empathetic flurry, rushed to try to assist the desperate father, nearing his wit’s end. 

 

I grabbed a nearby Whiffle ball and bat and tried to coax the older of the two into a “game”.  My invitation was inaudible as he screamed only louder.  I ran into the field and proceeded to mime a solitary game of baseball, hoping to distract the little bugger.  He ignored me completely.

 

Several of the other guests, took pity on me and ran onto the field offering to indulge me.  (People…I don’t really want  to play…..I was just trying to get the kid to shut up!)  At any rate, the game had begun.  I should remind you at this point that I am 46 years old, 70 pounds overweight, and the only consistent exercise I have had in the last 2 years was getting up from my couch. 

 

I pitched, I hit (fairly impressively, I might add) and then was relegated to the outfield.  Good, I thought, I can rest now.  “THWAK!” (that is the sound a whiffle ball bat makes isn’t it?)  The ball was on the fly.  My chance to make a star play was upon me.  My eyesight not what it used to be, I ran forward, then backwards, then sideways to position myself beneath the ball.  Naturally, it hit the ground several feet in front of me and rolled down a hill.  In an attempt to distract the group from my pathetic lack of athleticism, I decided that to “make ‘em laugh” was my only hope.  As I ran down the hill to retrieve the runaway ball, I comically flailed my arms, as if to say, “Whhhooooooooaaaaaa, loooookkkkk ooooouuutttt……IIIIII’m out of controooooooooooolllll……”  This might actually have been funny if it weren’t for the fact that in a split second, I was  out of control.  I was picking up speed as I headed for the tree line below.  I had to think quickly or look like a Wiley Coyote hole in the large tree ahead.  I decided that to Duck, Tuck, and Roll, was my only hope.  However what I did instead was more of a Ram, Jam and Thud.  My triple-double chin prevented me from ducking my head, thereby ramming it into the earth as if I was planting a flag on the moon.  I no longer have a neck as it was jammed into my chest cavity upon impact.  The “thud”?  Well, that came as gravity kicked in after what seemed like an eternal headstand. 

 

After we surgically removed my sunglasses from my forehead and my teeth settled back into their original sockets, little Mr. Whiny-Pants shows up wanting to play.

 

“Sure kid…..we need someone in left field.     Knock yourself out….”

Sip Slowly August 13, 2008

 

Today I eat again (sort of).  I continued my detox cleanse 6 extra days and begin my re-entry into the real food world today.  The cleanse recommends that the first day post-cleanse one only consume organic orange juice (somehow this eases the digestive system back into it’s old routine…I guess.)   I must tell you that nothing ever tasted so delicious! 

 

The cleanse claims that one will lose their old cravings….that the less healthy choices I used to make would no longer be appealing.  Well, guess what?  Not true.  I could swim in a pool of fettuccine alfredo right now and cupcakes (thanks for the idea, Bryan and Carly!)  sound like the perfect breakfast food.  Needless to say, I’m a little worried about my ability to resist my old ways.  I’m trying to approach the whole matter from the perspective of my food allergies rather than my fat butt.  I’m going to try to remember how miserable I felt ingesting the allergens, which by the way, include every single thing I love to eat:  Wheat, Sugar, Dairy, Eggs, Bananas, Yeast (that means wine, and any alcohol!) among other things.  WHAT DOES THAT LEAVE ME???

OK, I’m not going to panic.  I didn’t think I would make it through 10 days on the cleanse, let alone 16.  So maybe it IS  possible to do this next part.  I’m gonna focus on what I did right, not what I might do wrong. 

 

(sigh)  Pass the OJ please.