Gasp! gurgle…gurgle… January 10, 2008

Gurgle…gurgle…that’s the sound of me taking in water here in the deep end of the pool after having thrown myself off the high dive.  A desperate act to be sure, but one I believe was necessary.  You see, I have been standing at the side of this “pool” for what feels like an eternity, unwilling to dip even a toe in to test the waters.  Those who know me have repeatedly reassured me that I am a good swimmer, but I’ve been too afraid to go in.  What if they were wrong?  What if I’d forgotten how?  What if I went under and never surfaced? (we won’t even talk about the “bathing suit” issue…)

But to be honest, it’s come to the point where I’d rather drown than live with this hysterical anticipation.  So…I threw myself off the high dive.  I set a date to present a (motivational speaking) program and sent out invitations.  I visited a hotel meeting planner and said (with audible trepidation) that I was a motivational speaker and wished to rent a room in which to film a demo video. She seemed to not noticed my nose growing and commented that it seemed like a lucky place for me to do so, as she remembered planning my wedding reception at this very same venue some 17 years ago.   I didn’t bother informing her of the “unlucky” end of that story, and convinced myself that one thing had nothing to do with the other. 

So here I am, just trying to keep my head above water while adjusting to the cold, icy sting of my new surroundings.  Luckily, the swimming lessons of my youth are coming back to me now…. Don’t panic and for God’s sake, don’t flail!  Just keep your feet paddling and breathe slowly and calmly……

Thinking back to those days of my (parent-mandated) swimming lessons in the icky waters of Camp Sertoma, I’ve always hated the “jumping in” part.  The fears of my youth, however, were not of failure or public humiliation, but mostly of minnows, seaweed and sand in my suit.  Invariably, within a moment’s time, I was perfectly at home in the water, unaware of the things that brushed against my legs. Things I thought I was afraid of.

So for now, I’m going to trust that the water will feel warmer in just a few minutes, and that as long as I don’t panic and just keep paddling, I won’t go under.  I’m hoping to find that the things I’m so afraid of aren’t actually life-threatening, but just uncomfortable annoyances…like the sand in my suit….