Big news, people…..I dragged my butt back to the gym. What an exercise in humility. You see, when I left the gym last, I was 4o pounds lighter and taking my exercise routine to the great outdoors. I was in spandex-in-public-shape (actually, it was spandex-in-public-providing-you-have-a-tee-shirt-to-the-knees shape) and taking it to the streets. Yes, I was speed-walking my neighborhood with my I-Pod, conquering the hills with only a slight increase in heart rate. It was spring and I had become bored with my cooped-up workouts and I was no longer afraid to be seen. In fact, I even had some cute work-out wear I looked forward to modeling,
So here it is…almost spring again. My spandex now stretched nearly translucent, I heaved my way up the stairs to the gym entrance, stopping only once to reassure my lungs that they were capable of adjusting to the change in altitude. As I swiped my membership card through the scanner, confirming that I do make monthly payments toward my good-looking gym owner’s lifestyle, I swear I heard over the loudspeaker system, “ATTENTION ALL DEVOTED EXERCISERS! WE’VE RECOVERED ANOTHER FATTY!” In unison, 12 treadmills, 5 ellipticals and 4 stairclimbers came to a halt as all eyes were on me. (I swear….)
As I slunk my way to the treadmill on the far side of the room, I could hear the hushed voices. “Oh, my Gosh! She is fat again. That poor girl can’t stick with anytihing.” Good thing I don’t care what people think about me anymore!…….(right…..) Three minutes into my workout, I remembered the real reason why I took my workout to the streets. Exercise-induced asthma. Cough…bark…..bark….wheeze….So attractive. I guess meeting the man of my dreams here is not an option. Sweaty, wheezing and losing feeling in my extremities due to cut off circulation (the spandex?)……I did not see these characteristics on the Match.com questionnaire.
OK. I’m giving myself credit for showing up. In a few minutes they’ll stop staring and whispering. Besides, we’re all in the same boat. Just trying to improve the quality of our lives…….Hey look! There’s Garlic Man! ( I swear, they should bottle his sweat just for it’s medicinal properties). Hi, Perfect Ass Girl! Where’s……? Oh, there he is…….Scary Tiny Running Shorts Man ! I almost didn’t see you behind The Incredible Grunting Moustache Lady……It’s me……the Whooping Cough Yo-Yo Dieter! I’m back.
Anybody free for breakfast?
