Staring Down the Drain April 25, 2008

They’re still out there and they are growing in numbers.  A hudde of flourescent orange and green, they appear to be masterminding some diabolical plan….though they say they’re here to fix the run-off drain in the street directly in front of my house.  The town workers began gathering outside my home at approximately 6:45am this morning.  I knew they were coming, as in the recent past their co-workers had stopped by to invetsigate and spray paint the street with arrows and letters and informed me of the plan to repair the leaking drain.

Now I haven’t obeserved their every move, but I have noticed them quite a bit this morning as they are directly out my front window and dressed in blinding colors.  It’s as if I can look out the window at any time and see a “still-life” (with perhaps a few additional workers or pieces of heavy equipment in the background). The picture remains the same. Everyone is huddled around the “problem” talking.  I’m not trying to offend public works officials, but it struck me that I have something in common with these guys (I know they exist, but there weren’t any females in the mix outside in orange today).

Standing around talking about the problem.  That’s what they are doing and that’s what I am always doing.  I’ve spent the last 1/2 decade staring into my “leaking drain” talking about my problems and never making the necessary “repairs”.  Likewise, I have yet to see anyone lift a shovel or start up the earthmovers outside my front window.  As a matter of fact, as I look up now….THEY ARE GONE! 

Perhaps they worked quietly?  Maybe it was lunchtime?  I can’t be sure what they are doing or why they aren’t doing something else, but I know what I am doing……standing around….staring down the drain. 

Time to fix it before I’m washed down it.

Laughing Myself to Death April 23, 2008

I laughed myself into an asthma attack today and I never felt better.  After a conversation with a friend yesterday, I re-upped my commitment to laughing more.  I’ve been saying it for years now….laughter is powerful medicine.  I have attended seminars on the value of laughter as a healing tool (mentally, physically and spiritually), yet have failed to walk my talk.  (see http://lifeonhysterialane.wordpress.com/2008/02/04/ho-ho-ha-ha-ha/ )

Today I changed all that.

To prove to my friend that I was indeed committed to making the change, I called to leave a laughing message on his cell phone.  In order for it to be authentic, I felt it necessary to begin laughing prior to dialing.  So…as I drove down the road on this beautiful sunny day, I made myself laugh.  I must have looked like a lunatic.  Of course I started the process just as I approached a red light.  Making quite the spectacle of myself, but too far into the process to stop (or care at that point), I am sure I made quite an impression on nearby motorists.

By the time my friend answered the phone, I was laughing too hard to speak.  I left my (quite convincing) “message” and hung up.  Then I proceeded to wheeze and cough, struggling to catch my breath for the next two hours.  My inhaler got a work-out as did my face muscles.  (Not having laughed like that for some time, I won’t be surprised if my face is sore tomorrow!)

I reminded myself and I’ll say it again…….You really can’t be worried or afraid when you’re laughing.  You can’t be mad or depressed when your sides are splitting with joy.  Frustration goes out the window when your cheeks hurt and you’re trying to catch your breath.  Though the motorists who observed my seemingly certifiable behavior may have questioned my sanity, they also smiled.  Some of them laughed with (or at) me.  I’ll consider it my public service for today. 

Try it tomorrow.  Go ahead and crack your own self up.  I’m still smiling just thinking about it. 

And that  is something worth reporting………

Thars Gold in Them Thar Hills….. April 22, 2008

Before I get into today’s blog too far, for those of you who were wondering if I found someone to make happy yesterday…..I had a little bit of a hard time thinking of a way to make someone happy that didn’t involve buying them something.  Oh, I tried to do nice things for some strangers….for instance, I let the guy on crutches go ahead of me at the pharmacy (I know….but some people might not have…), and I complimented the check-out lady on her cool glasses…I’m not sure if these things actually made anybody “happy”, though.  I am working on a “project” that I cannot mention that I do think might make someone happy in the future, but I am not at liberty to discuss it in open forum….

 

As for today…I was listening to a portion of an audio by the famous motivational speaker, Zig Ziglar.  He was speaking of the famous industrialist, Andrew Carnegie, who lived over 100 years ago.  It is said that Carnegie had 43 millionaires working for him.  When asked how he managed to employ 43 millionaires, Carnegie replied, “not one of them was a millionaire when they started working for me.”  Naturally, the question to follow was what did he do to make them so productive that they could all become millionaires under his tutelage.  “Well,”  he said, “you develop people the same way you mine for gold.  If you go into a gold mine, you’ll move TONS of dirt to find an ounce of gold….but you don’t go in there looking for the dirt….you go in there looking for the gold.“ 

Wow….for some reason that really struck me.  We do it with ourselves, our kids, our loved ones.  Unfortunately, sometimes we’re so focused on the dirt that we forget about the gold.  Thars gold in them thar hills!  And we need to be looking for it when we go into the mines of our day to day lives.  I personally have been feeling up to my neck in dirt these days….but I know there is a nugget in here somewhere that I cannot leave buried.  So I plan on digging until my fingers are raw.

Have you seen the future of gold?  Maybe I’ll use a shovel….

If You’re Happy and You Know It…. April 21, 2008

I was mindlessly flipping through channels yesterday when something caught my eye.  There on PBS was Deepak Chopra (a doctor and one of the world’s greatest leaders in mind body medicine) wearing what looked like Elton John’s glasses.  I’m familiar with Deepak (but not in those glasses!).  I love his work but I’d rather read it than listen to him because his voice puts me to sleep (how enlightened am I?).  The glasses caught my attention so I tuned in just long enough to hear him say that happiness comes from making other people happy. 

Hmmmm…..I tried that in my former marriage and it was a bust (I’m not bitter…..) but I generally believe in the concept.  It occured to me that perhaps it was time to try the approach again.  So, in the fashion of “Operation Smile” (see http://lifeonhysterialane.wordpress.com/2008/02/28/big-toothy-grin/ ) I decided to put “Operation Happy” into effect.

But on whom could I focus my happy attention?  My son would be happy if I just left him alone for one minute……I can do that…   My parents might be happy if I got a real  job, with real benefits so that I could stop playing Russian Roulette with my future….but that can’t happen today……My ex would be happy if I dropped dead, but that’s not going to happen today either (God willing) because I just passed my stress test…

Hmmm….I guess I’ll have to find a stranger and think of something that might make him/her happy.  Animals count, right?  If I had a dog, I’d rub its belly.  I don’t have a dog.  Maybe I could throw some nuts out the door to the squirrel that harasses me on my front porch.  Do squirrels eat Planters Peanuts?  They do on the commercial.  I’d sure hate to kill the poor little guy with my Spicy Glazed Nuts…..

That would not make me happy. 

Well, I’m off on my Hunt as a Happiness Helper.  I’ll keep you posted.

Passing the Test April 18, 2008

Well, the results are in….I passed my Stress Test with flying colors!  “Your heart is perfectly  normal, Ms. Gotay”, the doctor’s office receptionist informed me (with only a slight tone of “naa-naa-naa-poo-poo” in her voice).

Well, I am relieved.  But still wondering what is it that makes me feel like there is an elephant sitting on my chest most days and when the elephant gets off, a bear steps in and squeezes the breath out of me.  My doctor is insisting it’s stress (well isn’t that what kills people?), and though I can’t argue that I do experience stress, I can’t name 3 people I know that don’t .

The part that kills me (not literally) is feeling like a nutcase when you show up for a test like this.  I began walking on the treadmill and mid-way through the test, the technician looks to me and says (almost accusitorily and with a slight mock), “this test is perfectly normal.”  OK…..sorry to bother you with my normal  stress test…. ”You’ve had these symptoms before?”  Yes, pretty much on and off for the last six months. “And you didn’t go straight to the ER?”  No, I hate to upset the staff with frivolous complaints…..

Sorry if I sound a bit sarcastic.  I am a believer in the mind/body connection.  I’ve read Louise Hay’s You Can Heal Your Life  backwards and forwards and am in agreement that my gallbladder issues stemmed from bitter thoughts, and that my asthma is a result of stifled feelings and supressed crying. There is no doubt that my abundant cellulite has to do with stored anger and self-punishment, and I’ll even concur that my stiff neck is from my stubborn inflexibility.  It’s entirely possible that the problems with my teeth are representative of my longstanding indecisiveness, and I suppose my ingrown toenail could just be worry and guilt about moving forward (God knows I have worry abour moving forward).  But…..since heart disease IS the number one killer of women (killing 1 in 3!) , and since these symptoms have persisted and increased in the past 6 months, is it so strange to want to be sure there are no organic issues?  (…..Deep breath…..)

(for more information on the facts, click here:  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Coronary_heart_disease#Facts

Fine.  Now that I know there is nothing wrong with my heart and that it’s all just in my head…I guess there’s nothing left to do but give my “center of love and security” a little extra TLC.  (oh…and maybe take 2 baby aspirin just in case….)

I’m Planning to Marry April 17, 2008

I am planning to marry. 

No, I’m not getting married myself, but will be marrying a young couple who have asked me to officiate their wedding.  This will be my first marriage (so to speak) and I am in the process of planning the service.  This particular young couple wants nothing elaborate, more of a ”Do You?” – “Do You?” - “You’re Done”  type of ceremony, so it should be relatively simple.  That said, I personally feel the need to try to make it meaningful and personal.

There is a point in the service where the “officiant” can say a few words.  In a religious ceremony, this might be considered the “sermon” or “wedding meditation”.  I’ve been struggling a little with my own ideas on what to say…..Here’s what I’ve come up with so far…..

(Addressing the Bride and Groom): “RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!  IT’S NOT TOO LATE TO CHANGE YOUR MIND!!!!”"”

Too strong, maybe?  I guess I could tone it down a tad, and try not to project my one bad experience onto these deliriously in-love young people.  Am I jealous?  No.  But envious, I suppose…and hanging on by a thread to my belief that true love does exist, and that people can stay together for ”ever”.

My son and I were watching the movie Juno, in which the main character asks her father the same question.   “I’m just wondering if two people can stay together for good?…….I need to know that it’s possible…that two people can stay happy together forever”

He replies, “Its not easy, that’s for sure…….the best thing you can do is find a person that loves you for exactly what you are….good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome..,what have you….the right person’s still gonna think the sun shines out your ass…..that’s the kind of person that’s worth stickin’ with….”

Hmmm…I may have to change the vows….”Do you, (groom’s name) promise to love (bride’s name) just as she is,  and will you think the sun shines out of her ass from now until eternity?” 

“Then I now pronounce you two of the lucky ones.  Don’t blow it.”

Weekend at the Museum April 15, 2008

I returned yesterday from my weekend at the museum.  Translated:  I just got back from a visit to my brother and sister-in-law’s house.  I call it the “museum” because to me, it is like walking through an exhibit of something you would never (well I  would never) see in my day to day life……an immaculate, perfectly organized house. 

My brother and his wife and kids have a beautiful home in Ashburn, VA.  Everything about the house seems perfect.  If I didn’t know their street name, I would guess it to be “Stepford Street”.  The lawn is manicured, the garage cleaner than my tub and everything (I mean everything) has its place.  A trip to the basement revealed shelf after shelf of seasonal decorations clearly labeled, the boxes from every electronic piece of equipment purchased in the last 10 years stacked ruler straight, and most impressively, row after row, shelf upon shelf of cleaning products.  Six bottles of Ajax standing shoulder to shoulder with 5 Lysol bottles, alongside 7 bottles of Soft Scrub with Bleach, all standing at the ready, like soldiers waiting for deployment.  

This house is the kind of clean that if I had a baby, I would have let him/her lick their food off the floor. Everything is so orderly that I amuse myself during my visits by playing little games. For instance,  I like to put things in the bathroom wastepaper basket just to see how long it takes before it is empty again.  Moving the kitchen table centerpiece off-center is another fun game I like to play.  (My kitchen table centerpiece is presently on the kitchen floor as the kitchen table hasn’t been clear enough to find its center for months!)

My son wandered through the weekend marvelling at this strange existence.  “Mom, they have all the pieces to all  of their games!”  I didn’t check, but I presume that the DVD’s were alphabetized….the spices are…..If I had asked my sister-in-law to locate her childrens’ third grade report cards (one is in high school, one is in college, the third in law school) she could have done so within 2 minutes. 

I can’t find my car keys on a daily basis. 

It does make me believe in the correlation between clutter and chaos.  Their house has none of either.  It is full of well-adjusted (slightly OCD?) , high-achieving, happy individuals who take pride in themselves and their surroundings.  I guess they have realized that they are worth the ten extra seconds it takes to wipe the jelly off the counter and that bending over to pick up the stray M&M (that I would have kicked around the floor for another week) contributes to their overall well-being. 

I’ve returned feeling slightly overwhelmed at the sight of my surroundings, but with a renewed sense of inspiration to continue to “clean up my act”.   I can promise you I won’t be color-coding my mail, but I am going to try to start opening all of it. 

Drumroll Please April 10, 2008

Well, here it is…the moment you’ve all been waiting for! (Do not be alarmed if you were not aware you were waiting for this.)  I am pleased to present to you my demo video….

oh….you may want to get a snack and something to drink…it’s a little over 8 minutes long…..

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y_XM26Nv6CI

 

WARNING:  Objects in your viewer may appear larger than they want to be. 

Cover me….I’m going in… April 8, 2008

I cleaned out my bedroom closet yesterday and today.  It was a two-day, two-person job that would never have been started if not for the insistence of a wise friend foolish enough to offer to see me through the process (thank you, Lisa!).

More a spiritual cleansing than spring cleaning, I am left feeling exhausted and excited.  It’s not a physically hard task, but anyone who has had to sit in their “mess” for any period of time knows how emotionally draining it can be. It has taken me several months to be willing to really look at the mess that stifles me, (see “Climbing Mount Garbageous”   http://lifeonhysterialane.wordpress.com/2008/01/14/climbing-mount-garbageous/ ) recognize its hazards, and allow someone to come in and help (help is good….I’m going to ask for it more often…).

Twelve garbage bags later……I learned something…..I still  have nothing to wear!

But what I do have is a little bit of momentum……an ever-so-slightly clearer head……thirty-eight pocketbooks’ worth of change…..and a tad bit of humility, recognizing how very much I do have.

The rest of my house remains condemnable.  I’m hoping my newly sparked momentum will last until the rest of the mess is handled.  But for now, if you need to reach me, I will be in the closet.  Thinking clearly.  

Webcams for Dummies April 7, 2008

 

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6kdD_anVYOI