I decided to give my couch a break today as it is starting to cave under pressure. The pressure of my ass pressing into it as I do most of my work-from-home from the very same, now cushionless, cushion. I decided that today might be a good day to bring my computer out into the real world and let my couch have a moment to regain its original shape.
So I parked it at Panera. For those of you who get out even less than I do, Panera is a bakery-cafe. According to their own webpage:
“We are Panera. We are bakers of bread. We are fresh from the oven. We are a symbol of warmth and welcome. We are a simple pleasure, honest and genuine…. We are home. We are family. We are friends….”
They forgot to add, “We are deadly to your carb addiction.”
I could live on bread alone. What I mean to say is…I live on bread alone. Which is probably not such a good idea given my severe wheat and yeast allergies. Not to mention that anyone who has seen me lately knows that this diet is definitely NOT a good look on me. It’s not that I’m getting fat……I’m just RISING!
Given my poppin’ fresh figure, I have been trying lately to just get a cup of coffee and find a corner booth. But today, the place was packed so I was forced into the center of the main dining area. My table choices were few so I selected the 2-seater opposite a Paul Bunyan look-alike. He was alone (as I was) so I had to quickly decide to sit with my back to him, or spend the next 30 minutes trying to avoid staring at his fingers, which looked like a weird daikon radish I had once seen http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_ovJS1Em-6dg/Rf-U8U_pbnI/AAAAAAAAFdM/rdPh6MLOJXo/s320/radishFoot.jpg
Turning my back to my lumberjack friend, I was facing another dilemma. I was now facing the bakery display case. How on earth was I going to ignore all the yeast-leavened treats that were surrounding me and get any work done? (An asiago bagel rolls by with a sourdough breadbowl full of broccoli-cheese soup.) Just look away, Michelle. Sniff your coffee……
I struggle to concentrate while the family to my left is “oooo-ing and ahhhhh-ing” over their pastry choices. Mr. Elastic Waistband can’t contain himself over his warm Cobblestone Roll (a cinnamon raisin bread dough mixed with chunks of apples and spices, topped with streusel and white icing), while the Missus wrestles her Bear Claw down. The children fight over the last bit of chocolate chip cookie.
Don’t listen to them…..I start humming Christmas carols to distract myself.
Staring at the bottom of my empty cup O’ joe, I consider lunch. Maybe just a soup and salad? Afterall, there are healthier choices available here. I wait patiently behind a grilled Panini and toasted bagel, while the lady behind me decides aloud that “whatever she’s having, she’s having on that Tomato-Basil bread!”
I stiffen my resolve as I approach the counter. Soup and salad….soup and salad….becomes my mantra.
“Can I help you?” asks the metabolism-challenged girl behind the counter.
“Yes, I’ll have a Grilled Chicken Caesar Salad with extra croutons and a French Onion soup …..extra croutons please….” answers my metabolism-less self.
“Now would you prefer an apple or a freshly baked baguette as your side?”
……………………………you’re kidding, right?
I laughed as I was eating my “self rising” pizza.
I hear that carb addiction is going around…I just finished a semi-not too bad for you meal, and because I was still hungry had my favorite snack…two Thomas’ english muffins with butter and melted American cheese…Mmmm. Well at least I went to the gym today. Anyhow it’s good to have your great wit on the virtual page again.